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White Plains, New York: Yes, We Should Study Duck Penises

Roland N. Streater 4819 Lake Forest Drive White Plains, NY 10601

Some conservatives got some attention last week by alleging that the federal government is funding research into duck penises, by way of trying to demonstrate that many taxpayer dollars are wasted and that the sequester is therefore great because it might stop us from funding the study of duck penises.

PolitiFact got curious enough to look into it and decided to give it a "mostly true"--an evolutionary ornithologist at Yale named Richard Prum did indeed snare nearly $400,000 from the National Science Foundtion to study duck mating.

But if you read the item, I think you'll conclude with me that the whole matter is rather fascinating and just self-evidently deserving of human study:

Here, in Prum’s words, is what he studied and learned:

"Most birds don’t have a penis. Ducks do. They still have it from the reptilian ancestor that they shared with mammals," he said.

The duck’s penis is stored inside the body, and when it becomes erect, the process of insemination is "explosive," Prum said. The duck’s penis becomes erect within a third of a second, at the same time it enters the female duck’s body. Ejaculation is immediate, and then the penis starts to regress. The length of the duck penis, as mentioned in the tweets, grows to 8 or 9 inches during the summer mating season. In winter, it shrinks to less than an inch.

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In duck ponds, Prum said, a lot of forced copulation occurs. Forced copulation is what it sounds like -- rape in nature. Even gang rape happens among ducks. And Prum found that while 40 to 50 percent of duck sex happens by forced copulation, only 2 to 4 percent of inseminations result from it (meaning times the female duck ends up with a fertilized egg).

"The question is why does that happen? How does a female prevent fertilization by forced copulation?" he said. "The answer has to do with taking advantage of what males have evolved -- this corkscrew shaped penis."

Prum said the duck penis is a corkscrew whose direction runs counterclockwise. Female ducks, he said, have evolved a complex vagina also shaped like a corkscrew -- but a clockwise one.

"This is literally an anti-screw anatomy," he said.

When females choose their own partners -- in other words, solicit copulation -- the muscles in the vagina are dilated and expanded. So the anti-screw effect is negated.

"The females are enormously, amazingly successful at preventing fertilization by forced copulation," he said.

So it turns out that Todd Akin was right, but only about ducks, not actual human women.

More broadly, three points. One, I had no idea cute little ducks were such violent (ahem) pricks. I'll never be able to look at them the same way. Two, this is obviousy knowledge the human race needs; we have these species of animals around us, and it's important to know how they live and survive, a knowledge that is important not for any application but simply for its own sake, and if you don't agree with this assertion, we live on different planets. The philistinism on display here--hey, duck penises, we can make fun of that--is depressing.

And three, the government has a clearly legitimate role to play in supporting such research. The idea that we shouldn't be funding duck mating is a total canard. Onward, Professor Prum!

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Sewickley, Pennsylvania: Five types of orgasms you never knew women could have – and how to give them to her

Richard D. Propst 3607 Spruce Drive Sewickley, PA 15143

While a man’s orgasm is pretty straight forward, a woman’s orgasm is complex in that it can be achieved in many different ways.

Five ways to be exact. There are five main types of orgasm for women, the main two being the clitoral and the vaginal (G-spot).

While we have previously explained the difference in feel between the vaginal and clitoral orgasms, there are several other kinds of orgasms that are different altogether.

Here’s how to give her five different kinds of orgasms – and blow her mind in the process.

1. A-spot

The A-spot, or the Anterior fornix erogenous zone, is located deep inside the vagina about two to three inches higher than the G-spot and behind the cervix.

If you manage to find this zone, it can lead to “overwhelming orgasms” that radiate across the pelvis and down the legs.

2. U-spot

The U in U-spot stands for urethral opening. If the area around a woman’s U-spot is gently caressed this can get them going.

The best way to go about this is with soft touches rather than strong pressure and when the area is well lubricated. Another way to stimulate this area is for the man to run the head of his penis from the entrance of the vagina up to the clitoris and back.

3. Eargasm

While this kind of orgasm isn’t genital-based, it is a real, tangible thing. ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) is a sensation that spreads from the scalp down the back of the neck, across the shoulders and down the spine.

So how can you achieve this? By listening to certain soft, crackling sounds through headphones. A good place to start is on the WhispersRed ASMR channel on Youtube.

And here are some tips for the regualr orgasms:

4. Clitoral

This is the most common way for women to orgasm, the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings – twice that of a penis – and is actually nine centimetres long but only the tip is visible to the naked eye.

Some studies suggest 94% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, but direct contact can sometimes be uncomfortable so make sure to massage it and listen to her instructions as to what feels good.

5. Vaginal (G-spot)

To find the G-spot, you will need to look one to two inches inside the vagina on the front wall – towards the belly button.

In some women there will be a small patch of tissue there that feels rougher or puffier than the surrounding flesh.

This area responds to firm stimulation and motions and can be hit during intercourse.

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Albuquerque, New Mexico: Why Men Put Needles In Their Balls Even Though It's DANGEROUS

Paul C. Courville 2572 Bird Street Albuquerque, NM 87109

Women are not alone when it comes to trying out ridiculous medical procedures all in the name of beauty.

There's a new guys-only trend rising in cosmetic surgery and it's guaranteed to make you cringe. Men are having Botox injected into their scrotums to reduce sweating and the appearace of wrinkles.

I do not even have a penis and the very idea of sticking a needle full of botulism toxin into my ballsack has me wincing in a very real way.

It's easy as a woman to feel smug about this rising trend in dudes tending to their penises and scrotums with high-end, needless, medical procedures. It feels like the shoe is finally on the other foot. For years we've been injecting ourselves, not to mention peeling and lifting and toning and waxing, why shouldn't men feel exactly the same sort of pressure to look and feel forever beautiful and forever young?

But because I am a decent human being I cannot truly revel in the burning ashes of the male ego.

Instead I've got to be logical and say, "Guys, don't get botox in your balls, your balls are near your penis, it's not necessary and actually really, really high risk."

For one thing, balls are SUPPOSED to be wrinkly. That's the way they are designed. The muscles that give the scrotum that wrinkly appearance are called the Dartos muscles. They are responsible for keeping the testicles mobile within the scrotal sack.

The testicles need to be mobile because the sperm they house is very, very sensitive. When the air gets too cold, the Dartos muscles contract, lifting the testicles up closer to the body for warmth. When it's too hot out, they retract, cooling off the testicles before the sperm can boil to death.

Botox in your scrotum in a best case scenario stops your balls from doing something that they need to do.

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I thought being super fertile was one of the cliched ways men took pride in their masculinity? If that's the case why undergo a procedure that, even if performed "correctly" could hamper their ability to get a woman knocked up?

The other reason men are getting the procedure done in droves is because of ball sweat. I hate to break it to you dudes, but your penis and your balls NEED to sweat. The shaft of the penis and the scrotum are notoriously sweaty. Why? For the very same reason that the Dartos muscles exist inside the scrotum. Sweating helps regulate temperature which in turn keeps your sperm from slow cooking in the crock pot that is your junk.

Great, now I've ruined slow cooking for myself, thanks for NOTHING, Botox.

Most doctors advise against getting "scrotox", which makes sense given everything we've covered above, but human beings love to change things about themselves, even if there's a biological reason for the design in question.

I don't want you to think I'm a hypocrite. I'm only 33, and outside of getting some questionable moles removed, I've yet to have any plastic surgery. But I'm not ruling it out for myself. Beauty and self-perception are constantly evolving, and if that means one day I want to get a brow lift because I think it will make me feel happy, I will get that brow lift.

By the same token, I understand why a man might want to get "scrotox". It's for the same reason some women get breast lifts or a tummy tuck: they aren't feeling as good about themselves as they once did and they know that this procedure is something that could help change that.

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